Uplifting (Fake) News! Sidney Torres Promises to Buy The Times-Picayune Building

John Georges, former candidate for governor, grocery store magnate, first-generation Greek American, and Mr. Universe drop-out, is now the owner of The Times-Picayune.

While happily dismembering the paper’s structure, Georges said, “This is a triumph of journalism about me, this is a triumph of capitalism for me. We are going to pool the very best of our resources into a healthy, ethical monopoly as we reach for new journalistic achievement.” While he, literally, kicked multiple journalists out of The Times-Picayune building, Georges yelled merrily in Greek, “Vges éxo!” which roughly translates to “Git!” As one Pulitzer Prize contender wept gently at his desk, onlookers say Georges threw him, desk and all, from a second story window.

In even more “uplifting” news, local entrepreneur Sidney Torres has bought the offices of the former newspaper. Said Torres, “Do not worry, I’m going to do what I do best and turn it into a fantastic market.” Even more delightful, while Georges is possibly firing the entire staffTorres is much more generous.

“Every single former Times-Picayune employee will be my first pick to work in my new store,” Torres winked. He is deeply excited about his Times-Picayune Market food hall’s new “Reporter to Food Service” program, which many journalists are already familiar with. “When you’re here, you’re family, and there’s no better example of family than journalists, editors, and reporters working hand-in-hand to shuck oysters, bus tables, and make margaritas. Come one, come all, to The Times-Picayune Market!”

Said one excited Times-Picayune staffer, “How do we get out of this hellscape alternate dimension? Can you get my resume to the East Granola Examiner in Waskatonka, Minnesota?”

Capitalism always creates the best systems, just ask the (former) staff of the Times-Picayune.

Michael David Raso has worked as a writer, editor, and journalist for several different publications since graduating from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. If you like this piece, you can read more of his work here.

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