The Raso Report: Breaking News! New Hard Rock Hotel to be Built on Top of Old Hard Rock Hotel and Other Brilliant Ideas

The City Planning Commission,
in association with the Hard Rock Hotel committee, has come up with several possibilities for what to do with the current disaster that has building innards leaking out of the Hard Rock Hotel and dropping onto the street at the corner of Rampart and Canal. We, the people will be asked to vote on these plans, forthwith. Here are some of the ideas from the geniuses responsible for the ongoing fiasco:

1. Just build on top of the damn thing.

Sketchy Contractors, Inc. has finalized a plan that they claim uses the current structure and contains no further demolition costs. Rather than demolishing the Hard Wreck Hotel, they will use the incomplete skeleton of the dilapidated death trap as the foundation and underpinning for the new hotel. In a statement, a representative of Sketchy Con, Inc assured the city that the structure will be sound. “After all,” he said, “if you can’t blow it up on purpose, what are the odds it’s just going to fall down on its own again?

2. Add more cranes.

Local business investment group We, Cheetum & How, prefers their own plan, however. “We suggest a tax on nearby businesses– a sort of neighborly fund to assist in demo and rebuilding. Otherwise, I believe we’re going to have to turn the current “building” into the world’s first Dangling Crane Museum. We could add more cranes. Picture them dangling there decorated with lights: Christmas, Mardi Gras, the Fourth of July,” Mr. Cheetum waxed poetically, “looming over the French Quarter like a festive death threat to nearby business owners, raining…uh…beads and moon pies…down upon passers-by. Seriously, think about it. We dangle, you decide.

3. Blow up the French Quarter.

While some have suggested removing several buildings surrounding the hotel for safety purposes, one architectural consulting firm from out of town, Hugo Fuchitup and Sons, sees potential in demolishing the whole French Quarter. The Fuchitup firm last did business in New Orleans after Katrina, helping to “restore” many historic neighborhoods. According to one of the younger Fuchitups, “These are a bunch of old buildings. Level the whole place. Have you smelled it around here? And the noise, all day and all night. And half the time I can’t understand a word people are saying. If you really want to attract out-of-towners who will bring new life to the city, you’re going to need condos and jobs worth their while, not this culture crap.” He continued in utter dismay, “I saw a mule yesterday. A mule tried to eat my man bun, by God!  I barely made it back to my Airbnb alive.”

4. Turn it into the World’s Most Interesting Airbnb.

Local realtor, Greediaz Sheet, owner of dozens of Airbnb thinks his idea is a sure winner. “Level it? I couldn’t disagree more,” Sheet exploded. “People come here for that local color. With no remodeling or renovations, whatsoever, you, too, can experience a war-zone style Airbnb, with real gunfire included. Centrally located. Reasonable rates. Leave your garbage bags on the stoop, no problem.

5. Rebrand the Disastrous Project

Name the Hard Rock Hotel “Trump Tower New Orleans,” and tout it as an important cultural site on Iranian TV. This suggestion comes from none other than the U.S. Pentagon. According to one high-level staffer, a native son, this plan is extremely cost-effective. The building will practically demolish itself.

We will likely find out in May what the plan will be for the Mausolee d’Hard Rock. Watch this space.

Thanks to Megan Johnson, Aura Bishop, and Michael Styborski for their suggestions for this article.


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