A Modest Proposal: A Plan to Reopen the Country

Photo credit: Joshua Hoehne

“Schools are a very appetizing opportunity. I just saw a nice piece in The Lancet arguing the opening of schools may only cost us 2 to 3%, in terms of total mortality”– Mehet Oz aka Dr. Oz

It is a melancholy object to see the greatest economy that has ever existed in the history of humanity brought to a terrifying and screeching halt. The COVID-19 disease has ravished and devastated financial institutions across the country. Multimillion-dollar corporations have seen their bottom lines dwindle by thousands of dollars. I have even heard the story of a billionaire whose fortune has been reduced to a meager 4 billion dollars.

The president, in his infinite wisdom, has sought to keep corporate interests at the forefront of his mind and the center of his decision making. However, his leadership has been impeded by the vicious use of science and the violent use of logic by epidemiologists and other doctors who monger fear with statistics and deadly data. It appears their only agenda is to reduce the profitability of the greatest America, Corporate America.

Social distancing and stay-at-home orders throughout the country have failed. More Americans are dying from boredom than coronavirus. We have sacrificed dinner at our favorite restaurant, drinks at our favorite bar, festivals, and theatrical performances. And in the most dreadful of transpirings, the NBA season was canceled. We have given of ourselves from oceanic depths…our wells are dried. We have bequeathed our all. It is time to move on to the restarting of this economic engine.

I, therefore, propose a radically simple plan to reopen the country and to rid ourselves of this hideous condition. I suspect that there will be no reluctance or objection to this plan, as the masses of people have reached exhaustion with social distancing and the stay-at-home orders. My proposal consists of three markedly easy tactics that can be employed in a relatively easy fashion.

Dr. Oz pointed out that opening schools would only result in an increase of 2–3% in total mortality. However, I suggest gassing 10% of children under the age of 10. Children under the age of adolescence offer no sizable contribution to the American economy. They are neither consumers, producers, nor employees. They also have the most difficult time with social distancing as their inconvenient need for human touch often drives their impulses. Their need to be hugged and shown physical forms of affection constitute an innate desire to be a vehicle of the virus’s transmission.

Furthermore, I suggest gassing only white children of this age. The white population is so numerous that these children would not be missed from the American consciousness. The alternative of gassing children of color is simply unfeasible, as this would reduce the prison population in the future and cause economic destruction for private prisons and small towns throughout the country.

“No one reached out to me and said, ‘as a senior citizen, are you willing to take a chance on your survival in exchange for keeping the America that all America loves for your children and grandchildren… And if that’s the exchange, I’m all in.”– Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick. (Texas)

“In 10 years the federal government will spend half its budget on those aged 65 and older” according to Forbes. This will have devastating effects on the American economy. This population is also the most vulnerable to the disease, so I propose that 20% of Americans over the age of 65 should be exploded. We can use some of those fantastic drones and call each event the “Boom of the Boomers”. This will reduce the spread of the virus in a vulnerable population and more importantly, reduce the burden on the American budget. Fortunately, I believe the lieutenant governor of Texas will be eager to participate and sacrifice his life. He is a true American patriot.

Along with the boom, I suggest withholding of medication to individuals in nursing homes and senior care facilities. These medicines are simply prolonging their lives. Most of these individuals entered these facilities preparing for death and it is cruel and inhumane to prolong the inevitable. God is not pleased with us for this.

Which brings me to my final proposal, we must crucify Evangelical Christians. These wonderful saints are covered in the blood of Jesus and have already secured their place in God’s great glory in heaven. There is no need for them to toil in this earthly hell…we have a much greater need for them in the afterlife. In heaven they will be great intercessors for this nation and that great host of American patriotic angels will help God to truly bless America.

These three modest proposals will help to reopen the country and restart the greatest economy that the world has ever known. If implemented, we will see a reduction in new cases of coronavirus, a reduction in the numbers of deaths, and most importantly an increase in American productivity as the nation roars back to its great prominence.

I hope these words find the eyes, ears, and hearts of American leadership and moves them to take action on these proposals. May God bless America and make America great again!

Warmest regards,

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