Drew Brees, Suffering Foot in Mouth Disease, Declared King of Nyx

Credit: Derick E. Hingle

Today has not been kind to New Orleans’ favorite football hero, Drew Brees, after he once again put his foot so far in his mouth that both friends and family feared he would choke.

Only a few short months ago Brees was in hot water for his support of the hate group Focus on the Family.

Now, while protests and a highly militarized police force are ravaging the country, Brees, in an interview with Yahoo Finance, has decided to weigh in on peaceful protesting in football. Apropos of nothing he said that he would “never agree with anyone disgracing the flag of the United States of America.” This despite the fact flags are impervious to disrespect, and don’t usually have to worry about being murdered by the police.

Team Doctor Tarantino, an expert on feet, concurred with Brees’ decision: “It’s understandable that Brees would shove his foot in his mouth. Perhaps, like me, he has something of a fetish for feet. I myself, put as many feet in my mouth as possible.”

Ardent fan Albert Hunter of Kenner says of Brees, “Listen, kneeling, it goes against the flag and it goes against God.” He added, “Lordy I’d love it if Drew would stick his foot in my mouth, and wiggle them winning toes.”

Despite his teammates’ pleas to get Brees off this particular high horse, including shoving their own collective foot up his rear, and a polite request from Malcolm Jenkins to “shut the f—- up,” Drew stands cheeks firmly together. And for his bravery he’s been rewarded with becoming the next King of Nyx.

Nyx, after posting an “All Lives Matter” image, has decided to throw caution to the wind, double down, and make Drew Brees king of Nyx.

Said Captain of Mystic Krewe of Nyx, Vernon Jules, “Nothing is more New Orleans than Drew Brees. Everything you love about New Orleans is because of Brees.”

Despite several medical experts saying that this condition could be permanent, Brees is expected to be able to do the all-important task of throwing a football and hopping after it accordingly while large man of assorted racial backgrounds chase him down the field.

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