Republicans Commit Amazing Act of Bravery Accepting Joe Biden Won the Election


Senate Majority Leader “Moscow Mitch” McConnell finally did as the leader of his party instructed him to do. Once Vladimir Putin accepted Joe Biden as the next President of the United States, McConnell felt confident following the leader, saying, “Many of us hoped that the presidential election would yield a different result, but our system of government has processes to determine who will be sworn in on Jan. 20…The Electoral College has spoken. So today, I want to congratulate President-elect Joe Biden.”

Hesitating for only a little over a month, McConnell confided to a close friend that he fully expected to be congratulated on his bravery and boldness. “I expect to receive one of those Profiles in Courage awards. After all, have you seen Trump’s minions on the street? Them boys is proud. And armed. And scarier than flying monkeys at a Kentucky BBQ.” 

Not to be outdone in clear and courageous folksiness, Senator John Neely Kennedy (Repugnant-Louisiana) came right to the point in a letter to constituents. “A lot of tomfoolery and a few too many shenanigans with this election. I’m not saying that something DID happen, but I’m not so sure something DIDN’T HAPPEN.”

He was preceded by our own local paper/bird cage-liner, the Advocate, which had an article daring to unequivocally say with its title, “While unacknowledged by most Republicans, it’s looking more like Joe Biden won.” Now that’s some Pulitzer work right there. I foresee the headline for January 20th when Biden is sworn in will read, “Mebbe, Mebbe Not.” 

Then there are other bold Republicans like Chuck Grassley, senior Republican senator from Iowa, who when asked about recognizing Joe Biden as the next President dared to say, “I don’t have to. The Constitution does.” Strikingly, it was the same response Grassley gave to schoolchildren in Iowa who asked if he was telling them they had to eat their vegetables.   

With over 100 Republicans still not willing to recognize Joe Biden as President-elect, the question must be asked if their balls simply haven’t dropped yet. Although Representative Bob Pudmucker, R-Idaho has a different explanation, tweeting, “Trump’s got my balls, all of them! Save me!” 

Bob’s not the only one complaining of missing his balls. Apparently, Trump’s got a collection of Republican testicles that he’s been hoarding for the last four years. One maid at Mar-a-Lago confessed, “I don’t mind dusting the balls so much, but the spines have all these little bitty crevices and they are so difficult to keep clean.”

Which brings us full-circle to spineless Louisiana Attorney General Jeff Landry who was willing to spend taxpayer money on a lawsuit to challenge the way other states voted in the Presidential election. “I’ve always been a bit of a drama queen, I guess. You know, I like to make the grand gesture I don’t have to pay for. Using taxpayer dollars makes my toes tingle.” When it was pointed out to him by an intrepid reporter that the lawsuit was certain to fail, Landry had an explanation. “First I drank the Kool-Aid, then I drank the bleach. Maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe that explains my tingling appendages.” 

Mebbe, Jeff. Mebbe not. Mebbe better stick to the water next time. 

More news on missing Republican gonads as it becomes available.

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