The Raso Report: Save a Cigarette, Smoke Some Broccoli

Broccoli Via Pixabay’s ImageParty

In a tense video that Big Easy Magazine is definitely not making up, Louisiana state Senator Karen Carter Peterson became annoyed when a man testifying regarding taxation compared nicotine in smokeless tobacco products to that of broccoli, which, it turns out, also has nicotine. Who knew?

State Senator Karen Carter Peterson, that’s who. But she finds the comparison disingenuous. And she’s not the only one.

In a statement issued today by the cruciferous vegetable, Broccoli reacted strongly, saying, “What the hell? I already take the rap for causing gas, tasting like cow juice, and smelling like something greasy, black, and unpleasant that’s leaking from your bathroom toilet.

“Do you hear this kind of talk about my international brethren, Bok Choy and Brussels Sprouts? No. Do you hear about Baby Carrots: The silent killer? No, and here’s a clue…they’re not even babies.

“And don’t even get me started on Rutabaga, who claims to be Swedish and looks like something you just dug outta the ground… oh wait, that’s right, it was! ” Broccoli added, “Now, I’m being accused of containing nicotine, one of the most toxic substances ever. Hell, if I had nicotine in me, people would find me addictive. Raise of frickin’ hands, how many of you are addicted to me? Do children raid their parent’s freezer in the middle of the night, looking for broccoli? No. Am I sold on street corners? No.”

For an opposing viewpoint, we checked in with man on the street Gerry Bumble from New Iberia, a professional hobo, and impromptu chef. Mr. Bumble spoke to Big Easy Magazine saying, “Yeah, man, I wrote about this for my doctoral thesis, ‘Cooking Diffuses Minute Nicotine in Food.’ I’ve been boiling cigarettes for soup for years. Why do you think I’m out here bumming cigarettes every day? It’s cause I got no broccoli.”

The gist of Karen Carter Peterson’s tax argument is that nicotine is used as a substitute for tobacco products and should therefore be taxed as such. But the more important question remains, and Broccoli means to have the last word. “When you crave a smoke first thing in the morning does your spouse say ‘slap on a broccoli patch instead, sweetie.’ No. Because it’s bullshit!”

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