Look, we’ve tried everything. Career politicians, business moguls, that one guy who swore he’d fix the potholes but somehow made them worse. Maybe it’s time we face reality—our best shot at real leadership has four legs, a scruffy coat, and a rap sheet that makes him the most qualified candidate this city has ever seen.
That’s right. Scrim for Mayor.
A Leader Who Knows the Streets
Most politicians claim they “understand the struggles of the people.” Scrim actually does. He’s lived them. He’s survived on these streets, dodging potholes, avoiding traffic, and outsmarting every single person who tried to keep him contained. If he can navigate the mess that is our city’s road system, he can definitely navigate the political landscape.
Let’s be honest—Scrim has done more reconnaissance work on New Orleans infrastructure than anyone currently in office. He’s sniffed out problems, scoped out every neutral ground, and figured out which abandoned buildings are still structurally sound. He knows this city inside and out, and unlike some politicians, he didn’t need a focus group to tell him where the real problems are.
Unbought, Unbossed, and Unleashed
One of the biggest issues in New Orleans politics? Corruption. But Scrim? He can’t be bribed. He doesn’t need campaign donations or political endorsements—he runs purely on instinct, wits, and the occasional stolen sandwich.
Forget backroom deals—Scrim operates in broad daylight, right in front of everyone. And unlike some politicians, when he gets caught doing something questionable, he doesn’t blame “bad optics” or “a miscommunication.” He just bolts and refuses to answer questions. And honestly? That’s the kind of accountability we can respect.
A Unity Candidate for All New Orleanians
Scrim has done something that no mayor has managed to do in decades—he’s united the city. Uptown, Downtown, Bywater, Westbank—everyone, no matter their background, was cheering for him. He gave New Orleanians something to believe in, something to root for. When was the last time a politician did that?
Let’s face it: if we put even half the effort into fixing New Orleans as we did into trying to catch Scrim, we’d already be living in a futuristic paradise where potholes fix themselves and the Sewerage & Water Board answers phone calls.
Tough on Crime? Scrim Is Crime
Some candidates claim they’ll be tough on crime, but none of them have spent months as the city’s most wanted fugitive. Scrim didn’t just evade capture—he thrived. He turned the streets into his personal playground, making highly trained professionals look like bumbling amateurs.
Crime is all about knowing how to outmaneuver, outthink, and outrun the system—and Scrim is an expert. If he’s on our side, criminals don’t stand a chance. New Orleans needs a leader who understands the game better than anyone, and Scrim has spent his whole life proving he’s up to the task.
Final Thoughts: Let’s Make It Happen
Scrim represents everything that makes New Orleans special—resilience, independence, and an unshakable refusal to be controlled. If that’s not mayoral material, then what is?
Forget the usual empty promises. This time, let’s vote for someone who has already captured our hearts (and then immediately escaped again). The 2026 election is coming, and we have a choice: another forgettable politician, or a fresh, four-legged start.
Scrim 2026. Let’s get to work.
About the Author
Bark Ruffalo has dedicated his life to political campaigns, but none as promising as Scrim’s mayoral run. A former dog park lobbyist and expert in leash-law loopholes, Ruffalo believes New Orleans needs a leader who thinks outside the kennel. When he’s not managing Scrim’s campaign, he spends his time dodging city ordinances, chewing on corruption (literally), and ensuring every debate stage has an emergency escape route.
